I owe you an explanation

I’m sorry.

I’ve gotten a handful of emails, text messages and FB chats from friends all explaining their concern for my life choices. You see me off travelling the globe and hear me rejoice, in heaven. Posting pictures of my shit eating grin ­–often with Elle standing beside me.

And it’s with some reluctance that I’m writing you. See part of me really wants you to find happiness and part of me doesn’t like being judged for how you choose to see my life.

The reality for me is, I lost every thing to get here.

Just 12 months ago today I threw a fantastic New Years party in a beautiful view house in Carlsbad, California with some fifty palm-trees in my yard. You get the idea.

Just six days later my family left the property. Kathy –my ex- had a yard sale (more of a fire sale) and took my children without telling me where she was going.

We were evicted. And I was left alone with nothing and no one.

The feeling of abandonment, perhaps at the time was my longest standing deep fear and now it was realized. That quiet nag had been given enough energy to become real.

You may have heard stories or rumors or even talked to Kathy and got her story. That’s great. But for me, my children were taken. I wanted to die.

I was left asking, “Who would play such a wicked game?” Why my partner would take my children and refuse to let me see them to cause me pain?

Oh how I love mirrors. So I finally asked myself the question. After spending nearly seven years on a pursuit to buy love. I had lost my way and this question was the key. The answer I got back from myself was,

“Because the only way to win is to go in.”

I hadn’t been listening to myself, to my guidance, to my own personal integrity, to the point that my whole life fell in around me.

Gone.

For six months I went inward. I also spent a lot of wasted energy trying to see my children. And kept getting, nowhere.

Then my life started to become magic. It started to resemble a version of bliss I had had seven years before. The more I focused inward, the more I listened to my inner voice, the more magic and extraordinary things happened in my life.

It validates. I was actually versed in the wisdom of listening, I just got lost.

So when you see me posting pictures of bliss, when you see me kissing the woman of my dreams and smiling with that shit-eating grin it’s not that I’ve lost it, or that I’m not focused on what’s important. It’s me offering up an idea, the possibility that you can be happy beyond measure.

And let me remind you, it wasn’t FREE. I walked the line. I walked in the fire. I lost everything dear to me, all to discover what truly matters. I stopped chasing a feeling. I stopped chasing love. I stopped listening to outward sources and focusing on other’s judgments. I stopped letting my mind race and run me around making me sick and tired. I began to source love and happiness in my heart.

And YES, I do have two children that have my blood and two more that I chose to play dad for. And if there is one thing I want them to find it’s this, “follow your bliss.”

And the wicked game is not over. Their mother and I still haven’t arrived at peace. So I keep focused on creating a legacy for them. I keep focused on healing the energy inside. My personal passions remain unchanged. I’m creating for them. And I’m going to keep focused on smiling and loving more deeply every day. No exceptions.

Have I gone mad? NO. I know exactly where I’m going and have my children and family foremost in my mind and in my heart. So at the end of the day, when you hear a story, when you start creating judgments and opinions about others, based on someone else’s story, remember there are two sides or more to every story. You choose how to feel.

My invitation is the same for EVERYONE. When you see my posts, you choose for yourself to feel frustrated, happy, jealous, excited, or optimistic. My hope is that you see possibility, that you see love ­–that you see magic. And you know me well enough to feel the truth that lives inside yourself.

If you choose to feel yucky when seeing or reading my stories then you’re missing the point all together. But that’s okay at some point they will echo in your mind. The idea that love and bliss are possible despite circumstances.

Because at night when we lay in bed in the dark all we are left with is how we feel. And why the fuck would you ever choose anything to feel but BLISS?

I’ve felt the great horror. I’ve lived in the great pain. I’ve worked until my hands bled, literately. I’ve had to leave my boys hearing” you’ll never see them again!” I’ve lost everything dear to me. I spent years in pain until I finally set myself free.

I stopped the endless chatter of the mind.

FREEDOM comes from within.

The secret to this place is, feel what you want more of. Period.

And my posts demonstrate this. It’s not an accident. I’m not lucky. I worked hard. I have actively focused on learning this stuff since 2003. And, I’m still learning.

I’m sorry I will not be unhappy to make you feel better. I love you too much. Truly. When anything happens in my day, whether it’s a broken phone, a towed car, a shitty text from my ex. I ask myself this question,

“Is this worth giving away my happiness?”

And never, not one time has the answer been, yes.